I know I'm tough to be around. I know I'm difficult. I know I'm not the most pleasant person to be around when I become argumentative and I become too loud for people to think. I know all these things. I guess I never knew how much I hurt people when I did such things. I always thought it was just a fault that people accepted as I have accepted so many faults of so many other people. The important thing for all of you to know is that as of this moment, I not only accept these critiques, but I take them to heart and I plan on doing something about it.
I guess I've never explained myself to really anyone. I've never explained why I do and say the things that I do. You can believe me or not, it's up to you, but this is what I honestly believe about myself. I don't say the things that I do because I always want to be right or because I always think or know that I'm right. I have this sense that when I do know something and other people say the wrong thing, I have this necessity to speak the truth because when one lie is spread without correction, it becomes truth and I've taken it upon myself as a burden to speak truth when truth is necessary regardless of the consequences. The consequences are harsh, but I've always thought that people should know the truth even if it hurts. Throughout this semester I've learned to think in a new way. I no longer think about perspectives or individuals or problems. I think about the big picture, the parties involved, and the solutions. It's not the conventional way of thinking and certainly not the method of thinking that most people I have. I always thought that if I spoke enough, people would think the way I do and they would think what I thought because it was the truth. It was logical, it was factual, it was true. I now accept that people aren't going to think like me. They're not going to think how I think and they're not going to think what I think no matter how many times I talk. People need to think how and what they want to think and their own progression of both of those things is only going to happen because of them and no one else. I always thought that people can be persuaded. But they can't. They're going to think how they want to think and the only way that's going to change is from within. Other people can influence it, can give them a push start, but it's going to be up to them to move forward. I can't do anything about that.
Which is why I need to stop and I'm going to stop. I believe that personalities don't change. People are who they are and they don't change. To what extreme their personality is controllable, but a shy person will always be shy and a violent person is always going to be violent. It's just a matter of HOW shy and HOW violent they are. I'm an opinionated person. It's my personality. It's not going to change and I don't want to change that. I love the fact that I'm opinionated and I love it when others are opinionated as well. It means they think about things above themselves and above the shallowness of society. HOW opinionated I am and how I exemplify that aspect of my personality is up to me. It's interesting that the most insane things can be discussed if communicated correctly. I once had an absolutely wonderful conversation with a man who was pro-life because he was able to effectively communicate with me. I obviously disagreed with him, but respected the conversation and his views and him because of how he communicated with me. I need to start doing that. I need to keep myself in check and know that some people do like having stimulating conversations, but only if the conversation is communicated correctly.
I once went to an Israel rally in 2009 during the Gaza War. Our side had a microphone and had speakers and dancing and the Palestinians had megaphones and a speaker system. From then on, I always thought that the man with the megaphone would always win. When some are silent and some are loud, who do people hear? They hear the people talking. What they don't hear is the people shouting. Now you can believe me or not, but there are legitimately times when I don't know how loud I'm being. I know I get excited about things and when I get excited the volume of my voice raises. I don't know why. It just does. Most people don't have to be conscious of their volume. I do. I guess this is one thing that I've never thought of. People want to be spoken to, not at, and they want to be spoken, not shouted to. I used to think it was about shouting through a megaphone to the masses, but it's not. It's about having conversations with individuals.
A true intellect is not someone who surrounds himself with people who he agrees with, but who he disagrees with. And I disagree with most people around me. The reason is because anyone can agree with someone. It takes a true intellect to recognize that there's a differing opinion that exists. But it's not just the recognition, but the respect of another opinion and the person who believes it. And I don't think I've been doing that very well recently. I've been so caught up in my own opinions that I think I forgot that other opinions that are out there. Do I think those opinions are right? No. Do I think the way they're thinking is the right way to think? No. But those two questions don't matter. The question that does matter is: Do I respect that you have that opinion? And thus far, the answer has been no. The answer should be yes and from now on, it will be.
A true man is not one who only knows the arrogance of his strengths, but who knows the humility of his weaknesses. And today, my biggest weakness was pointed out to me and thus far, I think that I've failed to recognize it or failed to do anything about it. I didn't set myself up for failure for this experience. In fact, I set myself up for success before I even came here. I told myself that I wasn't going to be opinionated as I've done in the past with positive results. This was a tougher test than I thought. Not only is the politics of the region my passion, but it has an emotional aspect to it that I forgot to account for. I set myself up for success and I failed. I'm not going to say that I created areas of improvement. That's fluffy crap. I failed in this area. The important thing for all of you to know is that I accept that failure and that I will do better next time.
I told people that Independence Day was my cutoff day. After that, I cutoff my experience. Everything afterwards was just extra credit, meaning that no matter what happened afterwards good or bad, it wasn't going to affect the experience before that day. It would seem only fitting for the most emotional trying part of my experience would come AFTER that day. I don't know if you believe in G-d, but I do and it seems that I had not learned all that I needed to learn so G-d through me a curveball on this one.
This is my first and will be my only personal note that I post on this blog for you all to see. The reason I'm doing it so hopefully that with the amount of time that I took to think about this and write this, you would take the time to read it and understand that I really am going to try to improve myself. It's going to take time, it's going to take effort, and with like all major improvements, there will be slip ups. I'm addicted to expressing my opinion and I have outbursts and it's something that I need to get under control and like all addictions, there will be relapses. I hope that for those of you who are my friends, you will read this and be patient with me because you have the knowledge that I am trying. It's tough to receive criticism. I haven't received this type of criticism in quite some time. I'm usually the one giving constructive criticism. But the people that make it in this world are not the ones that ignore it or reject it. The people that make it in this world are those who are accept it, embrace it, and change because of it. And I am I a person that is going to make it in this world.
No comments:
Post a Comment