Have a Little Faith in Me

     Today I had what certainly be classified as a not so wonderful conversation. Certainly did not fit the day. What was a simple and relaxing day at the beach turned into quite the emotional afternoon. I was told some things that I've certainly been told before, things that I've already thought about, and some things that I've tried to work on and thought that I had gotten better about. Turns out… not so quite as well as I thought. I was told I'm argumentative, I put people down with how I communicate, I make people think that I'm arrogant, that I don't listen, that I don't care what they think, and that I'm generally tough to be around. And they were right.

     I know I'm tough to be around. I know I'm difficult. I know I'm not the most pleasant person to be around when I become argumentative and I become too loud for people to think. I know all these things. I guess I never knew how much I hurt people when I did such things. I always thought it was just a fault that people accepted as I have accepted so many faults of so many other people. The important thing for all of you to know is that as of this moment, I not only accept these critiques, but I take them to heart and I plan on doing something about it.

     I guess I've never explained myself to really anyone. I've never explained why I do and say the things that I do. You can believe me or not, it's up to you, but this is what I honestly believe about myself. I don't say the things that I do because I always want to be right or because I always think or know that I'm right. I have this sense that when I do know something and other people say the wrong thing, I have this necessity to speak the truth because when one lie is spread without correction, it becomes truth and I've taken it upon myself as a burden to speak truth when truth is necessary regardless of the consequences. The consequences are harsh, but I've always thought that people should know the truth even if it hurts. Throughout this semester I've learned to think in a new way. I no longer think about perspectives or individuals or problems. I think about the big picture, the parties involved, and the solutions. It's not the conventional way of thinking and certainly not the method of thinking that most people I have. I always thought that if I spoke enough, people would think the way I do and they would think what I thought because it was the truth. It was logical, it was factual, it was true. I now accept that people aren't going to think like me. They're not going to think how I think and they're not going to think what I think no matter how many times I talk. People need to think how and what they want to think and their own progression of both of those things is only going to happen because of them and no one else. I always thought that people can be persuaded. But they can't. They're going to think how they want to think and the only way that's going to change is from within. Other people can influence it, can give them a push start, but it's going to be up to them to move forward. I can't do anything about that.

     Which is why I need to stop and I'm going to stop. I believe that personalities don't change. People are who they are and they don't change. To what extreme their personality is controllable, but a shy person will always be shy and a violent person is always going to be violent. It's just a matter of HOW shy and HOW violent they are. I'm an opinionated person. It's my personality. It's not going to change and I don't want to change that. I love the fact that I'm opinionated and I love it when others are opinionated as well. It means they think about things above themselves and above the shallowness of society. HOW opinionated I am and how I exemplify that aspect of my personality is up to me. It's interesting that the most insane things can be discussed if communicated correctly. I once had an absolutely wonderful conversation with a man who was pro-life because he was able to effectively communicate with me. I obviously disagreed with him, but respected the conversation and his views and him because of how he communicated with me. I need to start doing that. I need to keep myself in check and know that some people do like having stimulating conversations, but only if the conversation is communicated correctly.

     I once went to an Israel rally in 2009 during the Gaza War. Our side had a microphone and had speakers and dancing and the Palestinians had megaphones and a speaker system. From then on, I always thought that the man with the megaphone would always win. When some are silent and some are loud, who do people hear? They hear the people talking. What they don't hear is the people shouting. Now you can believe me or not, but there are legitimately times when I don't know how loud I'm being. I know I get excited about things and when I get excited the volume of my voice raises. I don't know why. It just does. Most people don't have to be conscious of their volume. I do. I guess this is one thing that I've never thought of. People want to be spoken to, not at, and they want to be spoken, not shouted to. I used to think it was about shouting through a megaphone to the masses, but it's not. It's about having conversations with individuals.

     A true intellect is not someone who surrounds himself with people who he agrees with, but who he disagrees with. And I disagree with most people around me. The reason is because anyone can agree with someone. It takes a true intellect to recognize that there's a differing opinion that exists. But it's not just the recognition, but the respect of another opinion and the person who believes it. And I don't think I've been doing that very well recently. I've been so caught up in my own opinions that I think I forgot that other opinions that are out there. Do I think those opinions are right? No. Do I think the way they're thinking is the right way to think? No. But those two questions don't matter. The question that does matter is: Do I respect that you have that opinion? And thus far, the answer has been no. The answer should be yes and from now on, it will be. 

     A true man is not one who only knows the arrogance of his strengths, but who knows the humility of his weaknesses. And today, my biggest weakness was pointed out to me and thus far, I think that I've failed to recognize it or failed to do anything about it. I didn't set myself up for failure for this experience. In fact, I set myself up for success before I even came here. I told myself that I wasn't going to be opinionated as I've done in the past with positive results. This was a tougher test than I thought. Not only is the politics of the region my passion, but it has an emotional aspect to it that I forgot to account for. I set myself up for success and I failed. I'm not going to say that I created areas of improvement. That's fluffy crap. I failed in this area. The important thing for all of you to know is that I accept that failure and that I will do better next time. 

     I told people that Independence Day was my cutoff day. After that, I cutoff my experience. Everything afterwards was just extra credit, meaning that no matter what happened afterwards good or bad, it wasn't going to affect the experience before that day. It would seem only fitting for the most emotional trying part of my experience would come AFTER that day. I don't know if you believe in G-d, but I do and it seems that I had not learned all that I needed to learn so G-d through me a curveball on this one. 

     This is my first and will be my only personal note that I post on this blog for you all to see. The reason I'm doing it so hopefully that with the amount of time that I took to think about this and write this, you would take the time to read it and understand that I really am going to try to improve myself. It's going to take time, it's going to take effort, and with like all major improvements, there will be slip ups. I'm addicted to expressing my opinion and I have outbursts and it's something that I need to get under control and like all addictions, there will be relapses. I hope that for those of you who are my friends, you will read this and be patient with me because you have the knowledge that I am trying. It's tough to receive criticism. I haven't received this type of criticism in quite some time. I'm usually the one giving constructive criticism. But the people that make it in this world are not the ones that ignore it or reject it. The people that make it in this world are those who are accept it, embrace it, and change because of it. And I am I a person that is going to make it in this world. 

The North

Petra

Am Yisrael Chai

     So the last few days have been pretty crazy. On Tuesday night, it was Yom Hazkiron, the day of mourning for the IDF soldiers who have sacrificed their lives defending Israel and those lost in the various terrorist attacks throughout Israel's history. It was truly a sad night and somewhat of a sad day, but like in the true form of Judaism, we do not dwell on the sad for too long and instead remember to appreciate what we have and are happy, the next night was Israeli Independence Day. I'm going to describe the night, but it simply does not do it justice. Take the 4th of July, New Years Eve, and St. Patrick's Day, put them together and multiply the craziness by at least 50 and you get Israeli Independence Day.

     Every single street was filled with people dancing and drinking. It didn't matter if you were in a club or you were at a bar, the music from bars allowed you to dance outside and they deliberately did this. People were showering everyone with shaving cream, Israeli flags were everywhere, people had face paint on, and fireworks were shot off. The best part about the night was the traveling Chasidic Jewish vans. Chasidic Jews were driving around in vans with massive speakers on the roofs and the Jews themselves were either dancing around it or even dancing on it. Vans would drive around slowly, blasting their music, and then would sometimes get to an intersection and just stop at the light for 20-30 minutes and people would just dance around it. I saw a car trying to get past a group of around 100 people and people were just dancing in front of it, jumped on the car, and nobody cared, even the driver. Of course he was honking, but never got out to confront the people. Everyone was generally happy. I danced with Chasidic Jews, with random Israelis of all ages, and simply had the best night of my semester.

     I believe that Israeli Independence Day is so much crazier and so much more vibrant than any other independence day for any other nation is because of what it represents and how close it is to each Israeli. For Americans, Independence Day is a nice time to get the family together and have a barbecue and shoot off fireworks and yes drink. But the Declaration of Independence was signed over 240 years ago. It is only something symbolic to Americans and also… something forgotten. Of course we remember what our founding fathers did for our country, but only from the standpoint of the history textbooks. We don't know the feeling of declaring independence from a foreign power. For Israel, independence is as close to them as our own birthdays. Israel is only 64 years old and for some people who live in Israel and are alive today, they were there. They were in the world and read the newspaper that said that Israel had declared independence. There are people who are alive today who fought and saw their friends die for the creation of the Jewish state. And the people who live there now who are young? At most, they are separated by the day of independence by only maybe 2 generations at most. We are only now getting to a generation separated by three generations. That is why Israeli Independence Day means so much to everyone here. They know how hard it is to make sure that Israel sees another birthday and why? Because they fought for it or are fighting for it currently. Every citizen past the age of 18 has had a hand in fighting and defending the State of Israel, the Jewish state. They can all say that Israel still exists partly because of their contribution. So why should they not celebrate? 

     I realized on Independence Day just how unified this country is. Regardless of race, ethnicity, or political standpoint, every Jew in this country had a reason to celebrate because no matter what you think of the State of Israel and its actions in the political realm, a state for Jews exists in this world and two nights ago, G-d heard his Chosen People's appreciation. In one night, the entire Jewish state, in one unified action in celebration, showed their appreciation for their ancestors who died because they were Jewish, their ancestors who fought and died in the fight for Israel's independence, their immediate family members who have fought for 64 years, their current friends and family members who are fighting for it today, and of course, themselves and what they have sacrificed.

Am Yisrael Chai

On This Day of Yom Hashoa

     Today is Yom Hashoa, Holocaust Remembrance Day. Sixty-nine years ago, Adolf Hitler came to power and began a process that would end twelve years later and millions of people dead. On this day, it is extremely common to hear the phrase, "Never forget" implying that we should not forget the six million people who died in the concentration camps. By never forgetting the six million people that died in the concentration camps we seem to be forgetting everyone else. We forget about the Jews who were killed in Krystal Night. We forget about the Jews who were killed in random acts of violence. We forget about the Jews who died in the ghettos. We forget about the Jews who died resisting the Nazis on their own. We forget about the Jews who died in the labor camps. We forget about the non-Jews who died because they hid Jews. We forget about the soldiers of the Allied forces who fought to defeat Hitler. And we forget about the millions of people who didn't die in the Holocaust. We forget to remember that hundreds of thousands if not millions of people survived and we forget to commemorate those who are courageous enough to tell their stories for the sole purpose that we do not forget. 

     Today is about so much more than just not forgetting. Not forgetting seems so passive to me. Instead we must be active. We must not just "not forget," but we must actively remember. We must remember all those who were lost, sacrificed, and saved. We must remember what their sacrifice meant to millions of Jews across the Diaspora and to the Jews of today. 

     We must remember that we have Israel. There are currently over fifty countries in which the majority of the population is Muslim, half of which have Islam as their official state religion. There are over 100 countries in which the majority of the population is Christian. There are currently sixteen countries in which the official religion of the state is Christianity. There is but ONE country in which Jews make up the majority. That country is Israel. Jews who escaped Europe after Hitler had come to power and even during the time of the Holocaust were on numerous occasions refused to be let into the various countries including our own. Hundreds of thousands of lives were lost because there was no Jewish state. That has changed.

     Israel exists as a haven for Jews. Israel exists as a place where Jews can be Jews without second looks. Israel does not even care if you are or your mother or your mother's mother was Jewish. Even if it was your father's father who was Jewish, you are a Jew who has the right to become an Israeli citizen. Why? Because the Nazis would have killed you. Israel exists as a result of the Holocaust and Israel will continue to accept you as a Jew even if you do not even believe Israel should exist. Israel simply does not care. If you are a Jew, then you deserve to not be persecuted elsewhere. That is your right.

     Today I saw something that I will never forget and probably will not see again in my lifetime. I was standing outside the university and at exactly 10am, a siren went off. Cars pulled over, people got out of their cars, people  stopped walking and talking. People simply stood in humility with their hands and feet together and their heads down in remembrance of those who were lost in the Holocaust. For two minutes, an entire nation was unified in silence. It did not matter where you came from, what your political party affiliations were, or how religious you were. All that mattered was that you were a Jew and those who died seventy years ago died because they were Jews too. At that moment I remembered two things. I remembered Barrack 52 in Majdanek and the bright red heals and remembered how they felt when I touched them and the chill that I got when I did so. And I remembered why I fight for Israel and will stand up against anyone who wishes its downfall or does not support it as they should. I don't care what your stances are on anything. I don't care about what you think about the settlements or Israel's military force or the refugee camps or how it handles Gaza or the West Bank. If you are a Jew, you should support the State of Israel and its defense and its survival. You don't have to agree with everything each specific administration does while in power, but you should and need to protect the land of Israel from all detractors no matter what you think about each individual issue. You know why I don't care? Because they wouldn't have cared. The Nazis wouldn't have cared if you were a self-hating Jew who believed in everything the Nazis said. If you were a Jew, you died. Simple as that. 

     On this day, we do not just "not forget." We remember so that we make sure that it never happens again. On this day we remember that it is because of the existence of the State of Israel that it will never happen again for if someone tries to exterminate the Jewish people like Hitler tried and even if every country rejects countless Jews, there will always be one country that will let us in regardless of race, culture, ethnicity, or nationality. And that one country will be the State of Israel. You better believe I'll fight for that with every last breath and you better believe that you should as well.

For two minutes, a country is united in silence:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGPbA9wowRk

Perspectives, Convictions, and Judgements

     The last 24 hours have had a theme of perspective. And by last 24 hours, I mean last night and I was thinking about it an hour ago. I had multiple people tell me that it was a good to always talk to the other side of an issue even one as complicated as one as the Israeli/Palestinian conflict because that is the only way to get peace. But I have a difficult time digesting that since there are people out there who I feel, by talking to them, serve no purpose. That's not necessarily true. I don't believe that it's not good to talk to the other side. It simply depends on who that "other side" is. As well as, it also depends on what your goal is by having a conversation. If you're trying to create a narrative of the situation, then getting as many perspectives is the means to achieving the goal of creating a narrative. If you're trying to create a solution, then gaining perspectives is important, but understanding their convictions is much more important than simply understanding their perspective. But if you're trying to make a judgement, then perspectives are meaningless. The perspective of an individual on a situation as complicated as the Israeli/Palestinian conflict is worthless in the grand scheme of things because they are one person living in one place for a specific amount of time. No person is alive today who experienced the Balfour Declaration with meaning (they understood the importance) and therefore, even if they were a mere teenager during the 1948 war, they lived in a specific place and have not experienced all of the conflict as a whole. That is why, when we make a judgement, we can't focus on perspectives because they create a tunnel vision. If we are trying to make a judgement, however, we need to focus on objective facts. If you're trying to create a narrative of a lover's quarrel that eventually ended with the man attempting to kill his wife should then you would need to speak to both the man and the woman in order to hear why each acted the way they did. On the other hand, if you're trying to make a judgement, who was right and who was wrong, there's no need to gain the perspectives. The man tried to kill his wife. Now maybe there are extenuating circumstances that we need to know about, but those are not perspectives. Those are more facts in order to be put into the equation in order to make a proper judgement. 

     But back to my original point about obtaining perspective. When making a judgement, perspective is meaningless. My friend had a conversation with two members of the Muslim Brotherhood while along her travels. Without seeming disappointed in her personal decision or attacking her decision to engage conversation with what she deemed as friendly people, I wonder why gaining the perspectives of two men who are engaged in an organization like the Muslim Brotherhood is helpful or should be encouraged? This organization is anti-Zionist and frankly anti-Semitic. So what perspective could I possibly get from that would be a reasonable one that would help further along the process of gaining a reasonable narrative? It's the same reason that talking to a member of the al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade or Hamas would be ridiculous. When you join a group like that, you don't join it like you would join a club on your university's campus. It's not even similar to associating yourself with a political party. You join an organization like this because you believe what they believe. The reason that I know this is what possible reason would an individual have for joining this organization if he DIDN'T believe in the beliefs of the organization? Hamas has STILL not recognized Israel's right to exist as a state. So why would I sit down and have a conversation with them? So they can tell me why my homeland should be annihilated and I should be driven into the sea? It's the same reason that you wouldn't sit with a Nazi or a member of the Ku Klux Klan. You can't expect to have a reasonable discussion with someone who believes that you are less than they are because of the color of your skin and you can't have a reasonable discussion with a person who believes you should die because of what you believe. It's absurd.

     I was told that you have to have conversations with these people because that is the only way we move forward, that is the only way we reach compromise. Compromise of what? On one side of the table, there is a person who believes in a piece of land being shared. On the other hand, there's a person who believes you should die. What compromise can be achieved with a person like this? You don't create compromise by unraveling a narrative. You create compromise through conviction and the action of giving up one's conviction in order to create a better situation for both parties.

     This is why I do believe that it's important to talk to the other side that is reasonable like talking to Palestinian citizens. It's important to talk to them, not to create a narrative, but to understand their convictions. Peace will be made not when we try to reconcile the differences of narratives. I support the discussion between Israeli and Palestinian teens just as much as the next guy, but you're not going to create true and lasting peace. The way you create peace is by both parties recognizing the convictions of the other. What does the other person want so badly that they are willing to die for? And then you reconcile those convictions. Israel wants no terrorism. That's a fair request. Palestine wants no checkpoints. That's a fair request. Israel wants defensible borders. That's a fair request. Palestine wants no settlements. That's a fair request. These are convictions that will the parties will not give up on and they are fair convictions to hold. So why hasn't peace been made? Because of the convictions that are not fair. Israel's policy on settlements is not fair and Palestine's request for 1967 borders and the Right of Return is not fair. So we must give up some of our convictions in order to benefit both parties as a whole. 

     Narratives are nice. They are easy, peaceful, non-confrontational, and overall universally not bad. It's good to know the full story in order to better  your opinion on the subject at hand. But it won't create peace. Having the full story in a situation like this will not help because one narrative will be Israel won the land and the other will be it was stolen by Palestinians. We must not focus on the narrative, but focus on judgement based on facts and history. Because in this world, there IS a right and there IS a wrong. The perspective of Hamas I'm sure is great in building the narrative of the Israel/Palestine conflict, but in the end, they are a still terrorist organization and the belief that Jews should be killed or that innocent Israelis should be killed is WRONG, no matter what narrative you come up with. In the end, narratives don't matter. All that matters is the judgement.

FOMO

     What is this… this FOMO? Well it's something that two girls who I randomly met in Amsterdam told me. These two girls are studying in Rome and told me that they've been going out every night. I thought this was crazy when one of them told me why. They suffer from FOMO… the Fear Of Missing Out. I thought this was brilliant. I had never heard of this acronym before and now it makes a lot of sense. 

     Recently, I've been missing Boulder a lot. How could this be? I'm in freaking ISRAEL. I should be loving it and not even thinking of Boulder, but I am. I see all the pictures of my fraternity brothers partying it up during St. Patrick's Day and mixers with sororities. I see Facebook group postings talking about upcoming events and current situations going on in the house and of course Greek Week. Our biggest party of the year is about to happen and… I'm not there to experience any of this. It's been weird thinking that an entire semester is going to happen and I won't be there to experience it with all of my friends. Of course I've been enjoying my time here in Israel. How could I not? But there's always this feeling that I'm missing out. I know that I'm going to get back to Boulder next Fall and there are going to be ridiculous stories and a change in relationships and new relationships that I won't have. I'll have my own stories from Israel, but I cannot share them with my friends back home.

     This feeling has led me, over the past couple weeks, to not appreciate Israel and my time here as much and basically I need to stop. Essentially, it all comes down to appreciation. Israel gets built up in the minds of American Jews so much because it's so far away and visits are so far apart from each other. This is the first time I've been to Israel since my senior year and after I leave, I have no idea when I'll be able to come back. As I started to get more and more anxious and excited for my semester abroad, I just thought of the amazing experience I had on IST. Now I realize, it's so much different. On Israel Study Tour, you really live a lifetime in four weeks. Now, while living here, you get into a routine. You learn to know the city. You have the same bars, the same restaurants, the same clubs, the same people, the same classes, the same grocery stores, the same everything. And because it's the same, even in Israel, a break in routine is necessary. Luckily, I got that break and now I'm ever more excited for this last month and a half in Israel. As much as I hate the fact that I see things going on for ZBTahiti and Greek Week and the mixers and the parties and the new freshmen class and everything else, I know that next year will bring the exact same thing. There will be more parties, there will be a Tahiti, there will be Greek Week, there will be St. Patricks Day, there will be mixers, there will be my fraternity brothers. But… there won't be Israel. I need to keep the FOMO going for myself, but not FOMO in Boulder, but FOMO in Israel. Every single minute is precious here in the Holy Land and everyone should always have some FOMO. It's what drives us to do the crazy things in life and to not say "No." It's all about appreciation. It's easy to appreciate things when they become routine, but now that I once again recognize this, it's easier. Why complain about missing a party with sand in the basement and a beach theme when I have a world class beach literally 20 minutes away from me? Why complain about missing out on St. Patrick's Day and the other parties when I have a world renowned night life ten minutes away and Purim and Israeli Independence Day? There are so many things to be thankful for where I am and it took meeting two girls from Berkely to say a ridiculous acronym that ended up being genius. I'm glad I got to hear this acronym and more importantly, I'm happy to report that I am once again extremely appreciative of where I am and it'll just make getting back to Boulder that much more exciting next Fall. FOMO